I held you in my arms so strong

I went to four senior proms, every year from 10th grade to my freshman year in college. When a girl couldn’t get a date, they’d ask me. Or more likely, her mother asked my mother. 10th grade was Joy, sister of my good friend Linda. All I remember is she wore a royal blue dress and I don’t like royal blue. Next year was Sue, the star french horn player. She was smart as a whip and quiet as a lamb. We danced our nerdy asses off and had a blast. My senior year I took Milena Jimenez, in some ways the most beautiful girl in the school. Unfortunately, she was a Jehovah’s Witness and couldn’t even go to Denny’s with me afterward. The final year I went with friend-of-the-family Jessica. I knew all the skater boys in her grade so I was in heaven.

My prom theme was “The Way We Were” by Barbra Streisand. There were no gay kids on the prom committee. Admittedly I do like the song and know all the words and even imitate Barbara’s pronunciation of “pick chas” in the second stanza when I sing along, but it was not an acceptable prom song for 1988. They got a lot of things wrong at Rahway High School.

Especially considering the myriad possibilities. “Keep On Loving You”. “Through the Fire”. Even “My Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” would have been fun. In the endless interest of rewriting a frustrating childhood, here are my top 3 choices for appropriate, inspiring 80s prom themes.

3. “Purple Rain” by Prince.
The best thing about a “Purple Rain” prom theme is that it’s over 8 minutes, and by the end unless you were really ugly your tongue was guaranteed to be down your date’s throat. The second best thing about it is that it may be the only hit ballad from the mid ‘80’s that wasn’t cheesy and if it had to be a slow song for the theme, better “Purple” than “Hold Me Now” or “I Want To Know What Love Is”.

2. “Turn Me Loose” by Loverboy
OK, I’m in love with Loverboy. I don’t know why. Mike Reno sounds like every cocky dickhead I knew in high school, but his voice + Foreigner-like guitar riffs sends me into a tizzy. I even like “Lovin’ Every Minute Of It”, which isn’t a good song by any means. Their greatest hits collection is titled “Big Ones”. So hot.

You can’t really dance to “Turn Me Loose” unless you considering head nodding and stomping around dancing, so it’s not totally perfect. But with its menacing guitar riff and selfish, sophomoric lyrics like “I gotta do it my way or no way at all”, it’s a perfect song for releasing the anger and frustration accumulated over 12 years of crusty gym clothes and filling in tiny ovals. With the knowledge that in a month you’ll never really have to do math again and after sneaking a swig of vodka in the bathroom, “Turn Me Loose” must’ve felt like an prom orgasm in ’83.


1. “Never Say Goodbye” by Bon Jovi
My boyfriend will blame this on growing up in Jersey, and he may be right. This is a song where boys race cars and drink alcohol and girls lose their virginity and people are brazenly heterosexual, and at the time I definitely could not relate, but I still practiced kissing my hand when this song came on Z100. If I wasn’t in public.

During the song, Jon and some Middlesex County skank sporting a gloppy amount of eyeliner get into a fight at the prom, their favorite song is played, and they make up. That almost clinches it as the best ‘80s prom song right there. But the melody is so melancholy and longing and dramatic and hopeful like senior year. And when Jon sings, “You lost more than that in my backseat, baby” tell me you don’t feel a tingle in your loins. Every time I hear it, I feel like Jon and I made passionate love just days ago and I’m still finding long hairs in the backseat of my Dodge Dart. And it gets even worse when Tico Torres pounds the drums leading up to Jon’s octave jump on “bye……” at the end. He’s imitating Bruce Springsteen, but still.

it's big. it's real big.

Is Weird Al going to win the Best Song Grammy for "White and Nerdy"? Because it is the best pop song of the year. Except for maybe "Crazy" by Gnarles.

Few things in this cold, oh-so-parodyable world makes me happier than AL TV. Christmas paled in comparison to the day when my white and nerdy self got to lie on the couch, eat frozen chicken nuggets all day, and watch AL from dusk 'til dawn. This later clip of him making fun of Britney and Justin tickled me pink.

What kind of god allows Al's parents to be killed by a fireplace?

stars in his eyes

Even though I'm going line dancing instead of watching the Survivor premiere tonight, I started reading the contestant profiles on cbs.com because I need a constant stream of distractions. The first one I read was Billy, who says "...when he was 15, he heard the song "Juke Box Hero" on the radio and began to entertain the idea of becoming a rock and roll musician."

"Jukebox Hero"!! Most people in hindsight change their inspiration song to Zeppelin or Elvis Costello or something politically musically correct. But it's the cheesy AOR hits that influence kids to buy a guitar. So now I have to root for him. That song still makes me pump my fist in the air. He better not turn out to be an asshole.

random ridiculous lyrics from 1996. just because.

Hey freak. Can you name these songs?

1. You are the bearer of unconditional things.

2. Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole.

3. You swim like lions through the crest and bathe yourself in zebra flesh.

4. How many special people change?

5. When I scatter my spit, I dream of juice.

6. Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse.

7. Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness.

Marconi plays the mamba

Whenever I sleep alone, my laptop sleeps with me. When I’m finally ready to slumber, I usually lay it next to Blansky, a bow-tied stuffed dog from my childhood. I think I need a shelf for the laptop. It can’t be good when my 220-lb. body rolls on top of it. I’m sorry, lappy.

This morning sleeping with the laptop reminded me of when I used to sleep with my Panasonic radio/cassette player when I was a teen. I had the same little battery operated machine from age 14 until I went to college. I couldn’t sleep with a radio in front of my metal head roommate, and placed my bigger boom box on my faux-wood dresser. It was a hard habit to break.

That piece of scuffed gray durability was like a friend to me. In the morning, I would turn on Z-100 and often won call-in contests like the Mystery Oldie. Scott Shannon would play a split second of a song and I would instantly know it was “One on One” by Hall and Oates or “It’s Raining Again” by Supertramp. Once I won a $100 gift certificate to J&R Music World and my Dad drove me to Manhattan where I bought a Casio keyboard with detachable speakers!

At night I would listen to Dr. Ruth. It’s a shame that she’s a punchline now because I think she probably saved a lot of gay kids’ lives. She was pretty much the only person I ever heard speak positively and consistently about gay people until I went to college. I consider myself a sexually healthy person (no comments from the peanut gallery) and she gets partial credit for that.

The best part about the radio is that with a click of a button, I could interrupt the recording of a song and record my voice instead. I would do this in a rapid fire fashion. For example, you know the part of Laura Branigan’s “Self Control” when she sings “Wo oh oh. Wo oh oh.” like a Tarzan imitation? I could record the whole song and sing just that part myself. It sent my friend Nick into laughing convusions. I was the background singer all the time, never the lead. When I sang like the commanding black women at the end of “Rock and a Hard Place” by the Stones, I thought I was as fierce as Chaka Khan.

Now I never listen to the radio and it makes me sad. As recent as a few years ago, I listened to KISS-FM while cooking dinner and danced to “Running Away” by Roy Ayers and “Everybody Dance” by Chic. It was such a good tension release after work. Now author-turned-talk show host Michael Baisden takes calls about baby daddy’s during that hour. Sigh. Broadcast radio has really gone down the tubes.

I think my nostalgia for radio is why I prefer my Ipod Shuffle to my Mini – it replicated the surprise factor of radio. I don’t even have a radio in my apartment. Maybe I’ll buy one on the way home. I know I’ll end up listening to LITE-FM.

Gay Type Thang

My friend and mentor Jon Sugar recorded the first gay rap song, "Gay Type Thang". Other Sugar accomplishments include being arrested for running a house of prostituion in '81, jumping off stages as the lead singer for the White Trash Debutantes, and currently DJing a vinyl set unlike any you've ever heard every other Friday at Mars Bar in San Francisco (7th and Brannan).

He wrote this in '81 and recorded it in '84. That's him singing also. If you live in SF and you're not boring, he'll take you to free movies and theater. He is the best.

a website kind enough to host Jon's song

random question

from my '90s book.

Name the popular '90s song that contains the following words: under her shirt, pay for it, want something, through the door

Hint: Produce is featured prominently in the video. It's one of the best videos ever.

Timmy

Who told Timbaland he could appear in the videos? Other than maybe Michael Damian, he's the most awkward performer I've seen on MTV. TM, you are not the love interest of Nelly Furtado, although her sleeping with you would explain her success. That being said, I love Tim Mosley. Love.

I don't have time to listen to all of Timmy's songs, but of the one's I have experienced, the below 10 are my favorite. "Get Your Freak On" does not appear on the list because I'm currently sick of it. And I like the chorus of "Sexy Back," but only for mashing up against someone in a club, not for repeated listening while doing the dishes. The "Big Pimpin'" beat makes your body moves in unnatural ways.

1. “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” by Jay-Z
Why: I listen to it for inspiration. I’ve been brushing lots of dirt off my shoulder lately. Jay-Z sounds breathless when he commands, “Get. That.” in the chorus. It sounds urgent.
Favorite parts: Ladies is pimps, too. Oh, and Timmy gets to brush the dirt off in the beginning.

2. “Oops (Oh My)” by Tweet
Why: In any other circumstance, that honk-y sample would sound like a nuisance. Here it sounds like a pelvic thrust. And when Missy sings the background vocal, it sounds like she’s in the bathroom checking out the Tweet-on-Tweet action. She must be bi.
Favorite part: The honk. And the general masturbation. No hiding behind “She Bop” or “Dancing With Myself” metaphors. 50 points if you know Robert Plant's solo masturbation song.

3. “Work It” by Missy Elliot
Why: It’s ridiculous. There’s an elephant in the chorus, symbolizing a large body part. There’s a sample of Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” percussion under everything, making me happy.
Favorite part: The “Peter Piper” sample exploding at the end (actually a Bob James sample). Trivia question: What TLC hit also samples “Peter Piper”?

4. “The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)” by Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot
Why: Missy’s smoking endo and the song is way stoned. “Who got the keys to the jeep? Vrooooom.” is a much improved “tin roof rusted”.
Favorite part: There are crickets chirping throughout the whole track. Timbaland couldn't sleep, heard the crickets, and ran to the studio. There are also crickets in the Aaliyah drum-n-bass track “One In A Million”.

5. “Tell Me Do U Wanna” by Ginuwine
Why: I always think of Ginuwine as the Al B. Sure of the ‘90s. Maybe because they’re both tall and effeminate. I like “Pony” but this song make me want to… do stuff. I even like the bridge. It’s hard to write a bridge that doesn’t draw too much attention to itself.
Favorite part: “Ay, Ay”.

6. “Roll Out My Business” by Ludacris
Why: Timmy’s horny chorus is so catchy that Luda just sings along with it. I love that Ludacris.
Favorite part: “Who’s your housekeeper/what you keep in your house?”

7. "Try Again" by Aaliyah
Why: That running fat splat of a bass line blows my mind, and the way the melody weaves through it. From “Romeo Must Die”, a film I’ll will never see.
Favorite part: When the beat drops out and the bass line stands alone and you catch yourself trying to sing along with the bass line and you sound stupid and then you stop.

8. "I Care For You" by Aaliyah
Why: Is it the only song in 6/8 meter to hit the Top 40 in the past how many years?
Favorite thing about it: If you ever thought Aaliyah was just some young chick that was lucky enough to get with R. Kelly, listen to her vocals on this song.

9. "One In A Million" by Aaliyah
Why: Everybody from David Bowie to Trent Reznor to Ben Watt tried to work jungle beats into pop music. Timbaland did a better job.
Favorite thing about it: For better or for worse, R&B started and stuttered after this song came out. "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child and even "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts might not exist without this song.

10. “Nigga What, Nigga Who” by Jay-Z featuring Big Jaz
Why: Jay-Z and Big Jaz match Timbaland’s on-again, off-again choppiness. I actually think Jaz does a better job, but I’d never say that to Jay-Z’s face. According to Wikipedia, Big Jaz aka Jaz-O had a falling out after the latter mentored the former for many years.
Favorite parts: The last three sly chords before the chorus, and Jay-Z rapping about KY Jelly.

Ginuwine video. I need this apartment. He looks like a 7'1" Gumby when he dances.

with one and a half pairs of pants, you ain't cool.

Rap is my generation's folk music. The best rap songs tell a story of truth, whether it's in a linear, narrative way or with images through words. "Love's Gonna Get'cha (Material Love)", along with "Children's Story" by Slick Rick, are my favorite narrative rap songs.

KRS-One bills this as an anti-materialism rant, but to me it's about why people choose crime. Not just because of wanting stuff, but because of relief from the pain of being poor. The video is excellent. I live for the background singers.