I held you in my arms so strong

I went to four senior proms, every year from 10th grade to my freshman year in college. When a girl couldn’t get a date, they’d ask me. Or more likely, her mother asked my mother. 10th grade was Joy, sister of my good friend Linda. All I remember is she wore a royal blue dress and I don’t like royal blue. Next year was Sue, the star french horn player. She was smart as a whip and quiet as a lamb. We danced our nerdy asses off and had a blast. My senior year I took Milena Jimenez, in some ways the most beautiful girl in the school. Unfortunately, she was a Jehovah’s Witness and couldn’t even go to Denny’s with me afterward. The final year I went with friend-of-the-family Jessica. I knew all the skater boys in her grade so I was in heaven.

My prom theme was “The Way We Were” by Barbra Streisand. There were no gay kids on the prom committee. Admittedly I do like the song and know all the words and even imitate Barbara’s pronunciation of “pick chas” in the second stanza when I sing along, but it was not an acceptable prom song for 1988. They got a lot of things wrong at Rahway High School.

Especially considering the myriad possibilities. “Keep On Loving You”. “Through the Fire”. Even “My Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” would have been fun. In the endless interest of rewriting a frustrating childhood, here are my top 3 choices for appropriate, inspiring 80s prom themes.

3. “Purple Rain” by Prince.
The best thing about a “Purple Rain” prom theme is that it’s over 8 minutes, and by the end unless you were really ugly your tongue was guaranteed to be down your date’s throat. The second best thing about it is that it may be the only hit ballad from the mid ‘80’s that wasn’t cheesy and if it had to be a slow song for the theme, better “Purple” than “Hold Me Now” or “I Want To Know What Love Is”.

2. “Turn Me Loose” by Loverboy
OK, I’m in love with Loverboy. I don’t know why. Mike Reno sounds like every cocky dickhead I knew in high school, but his voice + Foreigner-like guitar riffs sends me into a tizzy. I even like “Lovin’ Every Minute Of It”, which isn’t a good song by any means. Their greatest hits collection is titled “Big Ones”. So hot.

You can’t really dance to “Turn Me Loose” unless you considering head nodding and stomping around dancing, so it’s not totally perfect. But with its menacing guitar riff and selfish, sophomoric lyrics like “I gotta do it my way or no way at all”, it’s a perfect song for releasing the anger and frustration accumulated over 12 years of crusty gym clothes and filling in tiny ovals. With the knowledge that in a month you’ll never really have to do math again and after sneaking a swig of vodka in the bathroom, “Turn Me Loose” must’ve felt like an prom orgasm in ’83.


1. “Never Say Goodbye” by Bon Jovi
My boyfriend will blame this on growing up in Jersey, and he may be right. This is a song where boys race cars and drink alcohol and girls lose their virginity and people are brazenly heterosexual, and at the time I definitely could not relate, but I still practiced kissing my hand when this song came on Z100. If I wasn’t in public.

During the song, Jon and some Middlesex County skank sporting a gloppy amount of eyeliner get into a fight at the prom, their favorite song is played, and they make up. That almost clinches it as the best ‘80s prom song right there. But the melody is so melancholy and longing and dramatic and hopeful like senior year. And when Jon sings, “You lost more than that in my backseat, baby” tell me you don’t feel a tingle in your loins. Every time I hear it, I feel like Jon and I made passionate love just days ago and I’m still finding long hairs in the backseat of my Dodge Dart. And it gets even worse when Tico Torres pounds the drums leading up to Jon’s octave jump on “bye……” at the end. He’s imitating Bruce Springsteen, but still.

it's big. it's real big.

Is Weird Al going to win the Best Song Grammy for "White and Nerdy"? Because it is the best pop song of the year. Except for maybe "Crazy" by Gnarles.

Few things in this cold, oh-so-parodyable world makes me happier than AL TV. Christmas paled in comparison to the day when my white and nerdy self got to lie on the couch, eat frozen chicken nuggets all day, and watch AL from dusk 'til dawn. This later clip of him making fun of Britney and Justin tickled me pink.

What kind of god allows Al's parents to be killed by a fireplace?